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Stan # 11: WOMAN - Dangerous Substances Safety Data Sheet 24 April 1998

Answer to the question on my last desktop - the first programme to be transmitted on ITV after the opening ceremony was a variety show with Harry Secombe and Hughie Green. At 11.00, there was the Epilogue followed by the National Anthem. Now that's entertainment!

I have received the following notification from a correspondent who signs himself (or herself, though I think not), Big G...

CONTROL OF SUBSTANCES HAZARDOUS TO HEALTH

Dangerous Substances Safety Data Sheet

'WOMAN' - General Properties

Element:         Woman
Symbol:         Wo
Discoverer:         Adam
Atomic Mass:         Accepted at 54kg but may vary from 40kg to 200kg
Natural Occurrence:         Copious quantities, especially in all urban areas

Physical Properties

Surface usually covered with painted film
Boils at various temperatures, freezes without any known reason
Melts if given special treatment
Bitter if incorrectly used
Found in various stages ranging from virgin metal to common ore
Yields to pressure applied to correct points

Chemical Properties

Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones
Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
Insoluble in liquids, but saturation in alcohol greatly increases activity
Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

Common Uses

Highly ornamental, especially in a sports car
Can be a great aid to relaxation
Very effective cleaning agent

Tests

Pure specimen turns rosy pink when found in natural state
Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

Potential Hazards

Highly dangerous, except in experienced hands
Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations, as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other

If any of my readers think this is sexist, please send your contributions for the opposite sex.

Check in again at my desk soon!
stan@adweb.co.uk

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