Work in the media? Struggle with statistics? Stan's irreverent (and often irrelevant) review of the latest media reports, news and gossip may not help at all...
Stan # 16: More lovable regional press quotes
15 December 1998
More from that most lovable UK institution, the regional press (and some others):
"Following the ceremony, a small reception was staged around a fire on the beach where the guests toasted the happy couple." - Forfar Courier
"Body in Garden Was A Plant, Says Wife." - Morning Post
"Bristol Flower Group Pick Their Leader." - Bristol Evening Post
"Ex-Boxer battered outside chip shop." - Cheltenham Echo (1979)
"Seven eggs were hurled at the President's car. He ducked as three smashed into the windscreen of his pullet-proof limousine." - Daily Express
"At the fair they were exhibiting a full range of shoes for girls with low cut fancy uppers." - Leicester Mercury
"For sale: Elizabethan cassette recorder, as new. £11.50." - Salcombe Gazette
"For sale: 100 year old brass bed. Perfect for antique lover." - Ipswich Evening Star
"For sale: Nappies used by two babies. £5 for two dozen." - Kingston Informer
"For sale: Phillips ultra-violent lamp." - Watford Evening Echo (now sadly gone)
":For sale: Gent's skirts 16" collar." - Glasgow Evening Times
"For sale: Wedding dress, size 10, ejaculate condition." - Worthing Trader
":For sale: Rosewood piano, owner going abroad with beautiful twisted legs." - North Wales Advertiser
"For sale: Antique piano with candleabra and spiral staircase." - Edinburgh Advertiser
"For sale: Small electric organ, good for learning £30 ono. Also large orgasm." - Wandsworth Times
"For sale: Hotpoint Supermatic twin-tub. Good education." - Edinburgh Evening News
"For sale: Goblin Tea Maid with alarm. £12." - Derby Evening Telegraph
As we are in the festive season, I thought a few jokes would not go amiss. However, I couldn't find any, but I did light upon some old light bulb jokes and I thought you may enjoy a walk down memory lane.
How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Twelve: 1 to change the bulb and the other 11 to have a meeting to discuss, 'coping with darkness'.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three: 1 to change the lightbulb and 2 to discuss the passive role of the socket.
How many women with PMT does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three: Why? IT JUST DOES OK!
How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One ... but it must want to change.
How many account handlers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fifty-three: 1 to change the lightbulb and the other 52 to go on the piss.