Work in the media? Struggle with statistics? Stan's irreverent (and often irrelevant) review of the latest media reports, news and gossip may not help at all...
Stan # 23: Chinese newborn falls through train toilet
9 June 1999
The Liverpool Echo advertises, "Mira sports electric shower complete with fancy glass penis seat and handrails". I suppose if you had a penis seat, you'd need handrails. They think of everything these days.
A young man hurt during a disturbance in Pickering (Yorkshire, England) has declined to prosecute his attackers, reports the Yorkshire Evening Press. Sergeant David Woolley, of Malton police said, "We were told that there was quite a bit of blood and that
women with umbrellas were involved in the incident."
Avid readers of my desk top (if any) will remember a list of reasons why it's great to be a bloke. Well I now have 15 reasons why it's great to be a gal:
- Your mother treats you as an adult
- You can open doors with a smile
- You are not expected to know how things work
- You float more easily in water
- You can enjoy a clean joke
- You get to sit on a crowded bus
- You don't have to know about cars
- You only have to use half the kitchen when you cook
- If in trouble, tears will sort it out
- You can hug your friends without being thought of as queer
- You can have a headache whenever you feel like it
- You can have a smooth face without shaving
- You can regularly have a couple of days off from work each month
- You can always fake it
- When you are not suffering from period pains, PMS, morning sickness, post-natal depression, osteoporosis, hot flushes and aching feet, you really appreciate the value of good health
However, I have some more reasons why it is great to be a bloke:
- A beer belly does not make you invisible to the opposite sex
- Blokes in balaclavas don't attack you
- You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around wherever you go
- You can go to the loo (john) without a support group
- Your last name stays put
- You can leave a hotel bed unmade
- When your work is criticised, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you
- You can kill your own food
- The garage and shed are all yours
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
The Bridgnorth Journal (England) reports that 'Sleuth' starring Peter
Bowles and Michael Maloney "will not fail to disappoint". That should really put bums on seats. Maybe they are targetting manic depressives.
Durrants, the press cuttings agency, watched people in newsagents and interviewed editors of men's magazines. It discovered that men are generally so conditioned by reading the back sports pages of newspapers that they treat magazines in the same way (which explains
another observation - that men's magazines in newsagents tend to curl outwards while women's magazines tend to curl inwards). Advertisers may like to rethink their 'early right hand page' strategy. It probably depends on the product and target market.
"Newborn survives fall from train" reports a Chinese News Agency...
CHINA: A newborn baby survived with only cuts and bruises after falling through a toilet of a high-speed train and landing on the tracks. The child was born suddenly when a passenger went into labour while using the toilet. The woman managed to break the umbilical cord but the baby slipped out of her hands and fell through the toilet - an open hole in the floor. He was spotted on the tracks by railway workers just before another train hurtled over him. When the workers approached the rails they realised the baby was still alive 'with his hands and legs quivering'. The 5lb 9oz baby is being treated with his mother in hospital in the southern city of Guangzhou after receiving three stitches for a cut on his head.