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Work in the media? Struggle with statistics? Stan's irreverent (and often irrelevant) review of the latest media reports, news and gossip may not help at all... Stan the Statistician

Stan # 32: Amusing labels February 2000

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below sitting on a fence. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above the ground." "You must work in market research," says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man, "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone. And, of course, you are sitting on the fence as always." The man below says "you must work in marketing." "I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well" says the market research guy, "the only thing supporting you is a load of hot air, you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's all my fault."

The following amusing labels have been sent to me. I am told that these labels are true which goes to prove that there are still too many stupid people breeding!...

On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

On a Sears hair dryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

On Sainsbury's peanuts -WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

So, are the people who buy these products considered by the manufacturers to be stupid or are they really stupid? Are the manufacturers targeting stupid people? Are stupid people drawn towards these products? Are the manufacturers stupid? It's all very worrying.

Check in again at my desk soon!
stan@adweb.co.uk

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