Work in the media? Struggle with statistics? Stan's irreverent (and often irrelevant) review of the latest media reports, news and gossip may not help at all...
Stan # 33: English?
The Manchester Evening News suggests that in retaliation for the French ban on British beef, 'every British shopper could consider whether he or she should spend a penny on goods from France'.
It is reported that there are approximately 600 homeless people in London. There are more than 1,500 homeless charities.
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means horrible, does terrific means terrible?
Why are the first three letters of diet DIE? No wonder this diet is killing me.
If your second doctor has a different opinion, does that make a paradox?
If you have two dimes, is that a new paradigm?
If you have two different viewpoints simultaneously is that a parasites?
If you hire two lawyers, does that mean that both lawyers could be replaced by one paralegal?
If you shoot two deer in one day is that called a parachute?
If you are lax about something, and then are lax about it again is that called a relax?
Do two normal people make one paranormal?
When somebody tells me to restrain myself, does that me I have to strain twice?
If you are a complete pessimist, does this mean you are positively negative?
When a person rewrites a poem, does that mean he is reversing himself?
Thanks to David for these gems.
This collection has been sent via JJ by John Perry to the Poole based Wessex Newfoundland Society newsletter 'The Link' and originally came from Air France employees:
Tokyo hotel: "It is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing please not to read notis."
Bucharest hotel: "The list is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable"
Leipzig lift: "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only then when lit up"
Belgrade lift: "To move the cabin, push botton for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving then going alphabetically by national order"
Athens hotel: "Visitors ae expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily"
Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid"
Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid"
Moscow hotel: "You are wlecome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists are buried daily except Thursday."
Swiss menu: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
Austrian ski lodge: "Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascention."
Polish menu: "Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger, roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."
Hong Kong tailor's shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
Paris dress shop: "Dresses for street walking..."
Rhodes tailor's shop: "Order your summer suit. Because it's a big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
Hong Kong advertisement: "Teeth extracted by the latest methodists"
Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."
Czech tourist agency: "Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages."
Swiss mountain inn: "Special today - no ice-cream."
Copenhagen airline: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."
Moscow hotel: "If this is your first visit to the USSR you are welcome to it."
Norwegian lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
Rome doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
Acapulco: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
Tokyo car rental firm: "When passender of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour."