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Work in the media? Struggle with statistics? Stan's irreverent (and often irrelevant) review of the latest media reports, news and gossip may not help at all... Stan the Statistician

Stan # 45: Fluent gibberish April 2001

You have probably noticed that people who earn a lot more than you often talk in fluent gibberish. Dan Quayle and George Bush spring to mind. Two commentators who have made an art form out of mangling English are David Coleman and Murray Walker. Many of you I’m sure will have heard of some of the following comments, but its always nice to reminisce. First, David Coleman:

"Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan who turned 20 a few weeks ago."

"His great strength is his strength."

"This evening is a very different evening from the morning we had this morning."

"And here’s Juantorena in the back straight. He’s opening his legs and showing his class."

"If it had gone in, it would have been a goal."

And from Murray:

"He’s won more Grand Prix than anyone without actually winning one."

"That’s twice that has happened in the recent future."

"There are going to be six laps left at the end of this race."

"There’s no damage to the car.... except to the car itself."

"Martin Schanche’s car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."

"The battle is well and truly on if it wasn’t before, and it certainly was."

So, to get on in life and to make more money, you just have to talk more nonsense. Have you noticed this phenomenon at the office? Worrying.

Devotees to my desk top will remember a mathematical puzzle in which I asked which number when divided by 2 left a remainder of 1, when divided by 3 left a remainder of 2 and so on up to 9 leaving a remainder of 8. Well, some folk seem to delve into my archives and I have received another solution which I quite liked: 23 X 32 X 5 x 7 - 1. Elegant.

The Sunday Times (England), reports that a team of 20 Taiwanese men, including one aged 77, are hoping to set a World record by dragging a Boeing 747 using their penises. All of the men have been trained in "penis hanging art". Three of the team have already pulled a truck loaded with 100 men for three metres. I find this item very worrying. Did any of my male readers find themselves unconsciously closing their legs whilst reading this? Apart from the obvious thought of something going seriously wrong, why would anyone, let alone 20 men, want to do such a thing? How did they come together (no pun intended)? Where do you recruit such people?

Do you hang around public toilets and take a surreptitious look at likely prospects? What would be your opening line? I’m looking for well endowed men to pull a 747 with their penises. What are you doing next Thursday morning? And how do you train for such an event? Penis hanging is apparently an art. Don’t tell Damien Hirst or Tracey Emin. Does this make men more attractive to women? Would it make a good chat up line? Hobbies? I pull 747s with my penis. Maybe it works fine in Taiwan. They are going for a World record. This suggests that there are teams of like minded individuals who compete, which is really scary. And where do they get a 747 from? "Perhaps we could save you some fuel by taxiing your 747 onto the runway with our penises". How do they attach one to the other? Would all that pulling cause an accident? Will the attempt make prime time on Taiwanese TV? These guys really ought to get out more (or maybe I should say, stay in more).

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle... especially in public.

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

PROVERBS FOR 2001

  1. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark, professionals built the Titanic.

  2. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

  3. Love is grand; divorce is several hundred grand.

  4. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

  5. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

  6. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

  7. I always wanted to be a procrastinator but I never got around to it.

  8. I am a nutritional overachiever.

  9. I am having an out of money experience.

  10. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

  11. A day without sunshine is like night.

  12. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

  13. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

  14. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

  15. Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

  16. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

  17. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

    Check in again at my desk soon!
    stan@adweb.co.uk

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