Stan the Statistician <<Last | Next>> | Current Stan | Archive Stan
Work in the media? Struggle with statistics? Stan's irreverent (and often irrelevant) review of the latest media reports, news and gossip may not help at all... Stan the Statistician

Stan # 50: Country Song Titles August 2001

Actual 'Country' Song Titles...

  1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
  2. How Can I Miss You, If You Won't Go Away?
  3. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In Bed
  4. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye
  5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself, Or Go Bowling
  6. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
  7. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
  8. I Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole My Girl, but The Car Don't Run; so I Figure we Got An Even Deal
  9. I Keep Forgetten' I Forgot About You
  10. I Liked You Better, Before I Knew You So Well
  11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
  12. I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
  13. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
  14. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
  15. Please Bypass this Heart?
  16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
  17. Mama Get a Hammer (There's a Fly On Papa's Head)
  18. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
  19. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him

This confirms my view that Country music is music for manic depressives. Did you know that there is no radio station in the UK devoted to Country music because advertisers believe that the audience would not represent potential for any product or service (except maybe Prozac)?

It was just another day for a police officer of University Heights, in Ohio. While cruising in his police car he noticed a car parked at a fire hydrant, with a couple inside busily making love.

The officer stopped his police car, and approaching the other car, ordered the man inside to come out. The man did, and was immediately arrested. But what about the woman in the car? She was another matter completely.

The officer repeatedly ordered her to get dressed and get out of the car, but she just lay there, obstinately refusing all of his orders, refusing to talk to him or even look at him.

The officer decided to take matters into his own hands. He approached the woman.

That's when he realised the woman wasn't talking for a very good reason. She was a beautiful, 100% anatomically correct -- in all the right places -- latex doll.

She was taken to the precinct station, where according to a police spokesperson, the arrested man and his doll "both have deflated egos, one way or another".

When asked further about the doll, a police spokesperson added, "she's still not talking".

I wouldn’t normally include the following item on my desktop but I found it rather touching.... Top Marks this week go to the government agency in Scunthorpe who updated their email system to use a filter which filtered out any emails containing profanity or obscene language of any kind. All was fine, until they realised that no-one whatsoever had got ANY emails during the whole week since they installed the software... They checked through everything and couldn't find a problem... until one bright spark pointed out that all their email addresses, contained the word 'c**t'.

Jon Davies from the Curtain Theatre in Salford, England tells me: There’s a sign in the University of Manchester shopping precinct's newsagent's window. It reads: Sunday Observer - 35p - (Available on Monday).

Did you know that the Morning Post in Boston (Mass, US) was the first to publish the ‘word’ OK? It was, of course, in 1839. The word is believe to derive from the facetious misspelling of ‘orl korrect’.

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies:

Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: 'Enter Password Now'.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Check in again at my desk soon!

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