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Work in the media? Struggle with statistics? Stan's irreverent (and often irrelevant) review of the latest media reports, news and gossip may not help at all... Stan the Statistician

Stan # 58: Good in bed? April 2002

  1. You're at a party and you see an attractive man. You go over to him and say: "I'm very good in bed." This is Direct Marketing.
  2. You're at a party with a group of friends and you see an attractive man.One of your friends goes over to him and says: "That girl over there is very good in bed." This is Publicity.
  3. You're at a party and you see an attractive man. You ask for his mobile number. The next day you call him and say: "I'm very good in bed." This is Telemarketing.
  4. You're at a party and you see an attractive man. You recognise him. You go over to him, refresh his memory and say: "Do you remember how good I am in bed?" This is Customer Relationship Management.
  5. You're at a party and you see an attractive man. You get up, smooth your dress, go over and serve him a drink. You pick up his wallet for him when he drops it. You offer him a cigarette and say: "I'm very good in bed." This is Public Relations.
  6. You're at a party and you see an attractive man. He comes over to you and says: "I've heard you're really good in bed." This is Branding, the reputation of the name.

Some thoughts for the day:

  • Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
  • Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
  • Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
  • Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
  • Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
  • Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
  • If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot other people in the eyes.
  • If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
  • If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
  • If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  • If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
  • It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  • Never buy a car you can't push.
  • Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
  • Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
  • Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
  • The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.
  • Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school -- you'll be working for them in the future.

Check in again at my desk soon!
stan@adweb.co.uk

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