Work in the media? Struggle with statistics? Stan's irreverent (and often irrelevant) review of the latest media reports, news and gossip may not help at all...
Stan # 91: Indonesian hand jobbers give head, Animal Farm may break French Penal Code, and more…
You may have noticed that politicians are arrogant
enough to think that they can run our lives better than we can and so they are
on a Messianic Mission to control the minutiae of our existence. Here are a few
of the laws that they have passed:
1. It is illegal for a cab in the City of London to
carry rabid dogs or corpses.
Would this make it illegal to carry politicians
and if so, under which heading or both?
2. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.
So why have there been no prosecutions of our current crop?
Where would the trials take place? Wherever that might be, taxis couldn’t carry
3. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing
the British monarch upside down.
Fortunately, the death penalty for treason was abolished
in the UK but only in 1998 for treason and piracy with violence.
4. In France, it is forbidden to call a pig
But presumably it’s OK to call Napoleon, a
5. Under the UK’s Tax Avoidance Schemes Regulations 2006, it
is illegal not to tell the taxman anything you don’t want him to know, though
you don’t have to tell him anything you don’t mind him knowing.
But how do you know what you don’t want him to know and
what he would be relaxed about knowing? I think I will claim that I don’t mind
him knowing everything but not tell him anything. That should solve the
6. In Alabama, it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded
while driving a vehicle.
Obviously, there must have been an epidmic of
blindfolded driving in Alabama. At least I know I’ll be protected now from
blindfolded drivers if I visit the State. Such a relief.
7. In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish
Those fishing trips will never be the
8. Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must
provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London.
Constable must be a rum job then.
9. In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself
anywhere she wants – even, if she so requests, in a policeman’s
This should be made widely known.
10. In Lancashire, no person is permitted after being asked
to stop by a constable on the seashore to incite a dog to bark.
Those inclined to incite their dogs to bark on Lancashire
beaches will not be over-concerned about being asked to stop as constables have
not been seen on Lancashire beaches for many years. In fact, constables have not
been seen in most places for many years. If you
want to spot this rare breed, I’ve heard that the police canteen at brew time
will reveal large herds of them. Health and Safety regulations now
prevent them from catching criminals I understand.
11. In Miami, Florida, it is illegal to skateboard in a
Or CSI will find atomic particles of some rare blue
substance embedded in the paintwork which would prove that you were bullied at
school and it was this that caused you to use a rare South American poison to
kill a penguin in Tenerife’s Loro Parque in 1982.
12. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is
I thought it was blindness or hairs on the palm of your
13. In England, all men over the age of 14 must carry out
two hours of longbow practice a day.
I tried to comply with this law in my local park, but was
arrested for carrying an offence weapon in a public place.
14. In London, Freemen are allowed to take a flock of sheep
across London Bridge without being charged a toll; they are also allowed to
drive geese down Cheapside.
I tried both of these but was arrested for causing an
obstruction but then I’m not a Freeman or indeed a free man.
15. In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death
before a firing squad.
The Labour Government in the UK have consider this
punishment for speeding and parking but decided it would only be introduced if
they could also add the confiscation of all the offender’s assets. This idea was
first used in the Salem Witch Trials and indeed was the real purpose of the
16. In the UK, a man who feels compelled to urinate in
public can do so only if he aims for his rear wheel and keeps his right hand on
For the benfit of my female readers: this is trickier than
it sounds if you are right handed.
17. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can
Why only Sunday?
18. In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon
more than six-feet long.
I would be envious of anyone who is capable of breaking this
19. In Chester, Welshmen are banned from entering the city
before sunrise and from staying after sunset.
Why are they not banned in daylight hours as
20. In the city of York, it is legal to murder a Scotsman
within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and
A vendor at the City gates was recently closed down for
offering free bows and arrows to men in kilts.
21. In Boulder, Colorado, it is illegal to kill a bird
within the city limits and also to "own" a pet – the town’s citizens, legally
speaking, are merely "pet minders".
Any cat could have told you that.
22. In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from
their husbands to wear false teeth.
I’m sure a number of my readers will have their theories
as to why this law was passed.
23. In London, it is illegal to flag down a taxi if you have
Will taxi drivers be required to have medical training
so they can spot transgressors? Will this law
be extended to those who look a little peeky, to be on the safe
24. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s
genitals but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination;
he may only see their reflection in a mirror.
I heard male Bahrainie doctors were also
complaining about their mirrors misting up too quickly.
25. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast is
legally the property of the King; the tail, on the other hand, belongs to the
Queen - in case she needs the bones for her corset.
Now you know what to get the Queen and Duke for
Christmas. Chrissy prezzy problem solved for another year.